The Insensitive Father
Not all Dads are meant to be.
Back in 8th grade we got to sign up for an "option class". This was where we were given the opportunity to explore trades that might influence our future goals in life.
They didn't have any computer science courses back then, so I had the choice of taking woodshop, agriculture, band, drama, or homemaking.
You know, all the important careers in life.
Now as I've already mentioned, Mom pretty much made me into a Jedi Master when it came to home stuff. Dad had me on a tractor before I was talking. We had better woodworking tools in our shop at home than school could provide, and I had already grown bored of music since I ruled at whatever I decided to learn.
That left me with drama class, but I wasn't in the mood to dress Goth and drink coffee at Shari's Restaurant until 3 in the morning.
I ended up taking Homemaking in a vain attempt to mack on girls. Unfortunately around this time in my life, girls stopped being fascinated with my mad cross-stitching skills, and had now become fascinated with the boys in agriculture and woodshop.
Bummer.
Despite that setback, I traipsed through that course with no problems. And I have no shame in saying that I can run a household better than most women out there.
While most readers are waiting for me to come out of the closet to sum this up, that's not the direction I'm going. The fact of the matter is that women all need to stop whining about their tough duties as housewives and mothers.
That's right. I see through your little ruse, and I'm calling you on it.
For a while I was almost duped. On nights when Jessica wouldn't make dinner, I'd have a difficult time finding sustenance for myself. When the laundry wasn't done and I needed something to wear, I'd begin to stumble on what detergent to use in the washer.
Such is the stereotype of us guys. Everybody loves to portray us as the bumbling idiots who can't take care of ourselves without the intelligent wife who "wears the pants" and "runs the household." Pretty much every guy on TV is helpless in the home, unless you take into account Tony Danza.
He didn't fool any of us though. We all knew that Bruce was the real Boss.
Us guys embrace our stereotype with open arms though. I go to work each day to program everything from web sites to government regulated process tracking and management software. But when I come home, it's "Gee honey, I have no idea how to work the stove." Sure, I'll play dumb if it means dinner.
But when Jessica and I came home from the hospital, the household was back in my hands to run. I took a week and a half off of work to play Mr. Mom while she healed up. After a few years of slowly losing my grip on homemaking, I took it back with an iron fist in 10 days. In the process, I realized what tricks women use to make us guys feel inferior in our capabilities of doing one of the easiest jobs in the world.
#1: Overcomplicated Laundry
The first problem I ran into was in trying to get the laundry done. I opened up the laundry closet to find this:
Now I don't know about all of you people, but when I did laundry, I only needed two things for it:
1. The cheapest lousiest sandpaper abrasive detergent at the store.
2. Some partially used Downy dryer sheets.
Whatever unholy mess I was looking at in the picture above was a mere diversion. Jessica claimed that my choice in laundry detergent and fabric softener was too harsh on her skin. Hence she felt the need to buy about 50 different brands of them to try out on her and the baby.
I tried to explain to her that if the kid was really my son, harsh detergents would be the least of his worries. However she proceeded to tell me all of the different methodologies involved in doing our laundry. I didn't have a word processor handy to write the book of instructions down, so I just picked two bottles of stuff and dumped them in the washer. Job done.
#2: Nonsensical Food
When it came time to cook for the wifey, I looked around in our food pantry and found a load of junk:
Now maybe some people are more clever than I. However unless I was looking to make the worst pizza known to man, I sure didn't know what to do with a bunch of fruit and olives. I'm not saying that my wife doesn't know how to shop for food...I'm just saying that she bought this stuff with some future menu plans on her mind. And that menu didn't coincide with mine. I could cook just fine as long as I had the right ingredients to cook with.
If any of you readers balk at this, go to your neighbor's house right now and make dinner with what's in their fridge. I bet you couldn't.
So there it is: Guys can get it done, but women change the rules up on us and then try to rub it in our faces about how we're so incapable.
Try this on for size though: The entire time I was home, breakfast, lunch, and dinner was served. Our laundry was done every single day. I vacuumed, dusted, swept, and mopped, and the kitchen was always clean. While Jessica caught up on sleep, I took care of the demon child. I even got the yard work done, all while having time to write in my blog and play some video games. The extra energy probably came from not being able to have sex, but hey, who's counting (cough cough 6 weeks cough cough).
Homemaking is cake.
I'll bet a nickel that at least one angry reader is thinking "Well fine, do it yourself then." And you know what? I'd have no problems doing it. But for all of you one date wonders in college that told me "I don't know what my major is...I'm just kind of going until I find the right guy," well, there you go. I am the right guy. We all are. We deliver on our stereotypical side. You can pull your own.
The one thing I'll give women is the retirement card though. Us guys can bail out of the work force when we get older, but our wives will still be taking care of our Alzheimer's ridden bodies until we die. Men can take credit for a long life of providing, yet our helpmeets will continue to silently support us with love until the end of our days.
So call me when you're 65 to complain. As for now, you have plenty of energy to clean the house.
